had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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