If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I wish there were birth control emojis
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
