my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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