Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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