Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
