Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
