My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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