and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Randomize
