shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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