I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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