What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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