He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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