what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
