Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
