just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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