I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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