my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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