We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
