Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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