mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
