Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
