I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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