The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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