WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Randomize
