I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
