you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
