Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
