Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
