i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Randomize
