Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
