today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
