This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
