Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
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