found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
