i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
