i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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