White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
