I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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