My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
