is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
