I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
