In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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