Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
