I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
