I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
