I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
