Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
