it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I want to make a zoo with you.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
