Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
