The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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